Gosh, I can't believe its going be 9 years in August since that day. It's still fresh no matter how hard I put it at the very deepest part of my mind because an aching feeling constantly reminds me of him. Every time my heart beats I feel the ache; wishing it would dull a but through the years it hasn't I can tell you that.
Lots of things remind me of him; weekends when I just do chores, trying fix things that aren't working, cooking, tucking myself into bed,going to church, having family gatherings, waking up every morning to get ready for the day and every daily routine.
I am sometimes so afraid I'll forget him, his smiles, jokes, laughter, memories shared and most of all how he looks. Sometimes feeling like I'm losing it when I wake up in the middle of the night laughing at his jokes I recall all of a sudden or crying like a child when I remember those last moments with him; I sometimes wake up feeling like he was just there give me a hug of reassurance at my weakest days.
That man I lost was a very dear person in my life and truly I'm lucky to have experiences many great things with him as my father. Every time mixed tears of pain and sadness with happiness will emerge randomly because for one I honestly wished he was still around next to me to guide me on and happy because he doesn't suffer with his sickness; it wasn't him to ever seem weak no matter how badly his condition deteriorated.
My father was a warrior and the most beautiful person in my life; people whom knew him would know me saying this isn't a made up lie. He always ever optimistic and cheerful; rarely I saw him shed a tear or having and foul emotion no matter what life had put him through.That man thought me the most valuable lessons in life which I continue to live by till the last day I take my breath.
Love boundlessly, have faith even if it seems like there is no hope, wealth isn't everything but happiness is necessary and lastly forgive and hold no grudges. I'll be a hypocrite if I say I'm following all of that exactly but I'm working on it however sometimes its easier to be angry which is probably the reason why I keep my distance from certain people I care a lot about because it hurts. However when I'm ready I will do something about it.
I always miss him the most when I remember big events in my life that have happen and that is in the future as well; stuff like that father daughter dance on your sweet sixteen, taking my SPM results, going for my first interview for a job, turning 21 - adulthood, moving away from home, shifting around to new places, walking me down the church aisle when I get married, seeing his grandchildren and many more.
Its so hard sometimes when I see other kids with their father holding hands, teasing each other and whispering secrets so mom doesn't know. I smile when I see those scenes but deep inside I can feel the ache suddenly come at me in full force.
Despite all that I'm lucky I have my mother and sister still around by my side to get through. Currently even though we have our disagreements I love them and I wouldn't hesitate to give them everything I can. I am also lucky to have a kind man to take care of my mom when she remarried after I moved out to live on my own due to work. I'm lucky I still have many people that care for me and are supportive of me. They mean the world to me.
I still miss Papa though. In the beginning being mad at God was easy because he was the one that took him away; as time passed I came to realize it was inevitable though it seem to soon for me God knows what's best, in His time right as the song would say.
No matter how old and I grey I become, that man; Papa will never be replaced. I will always love him with all my heart and I look forward to meet him when the time comes. After all the earthly life I have is only temporary, eternity begins with death.
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