When The Rain Comes

The crack of thunder rumbles thru the sky
As the first drop of water falls
The very first sound of rain hitting the roof is heard
The rain when it comes cleanses my soul
Clearing the darkness of which my heart holds
That first musty smell of rain when it immediately hits the ground
Gives me a weirdly satisfying emotion
Sometimes that's hardly found
The rain when it comes
Is like a cold shower on a hot day
Leaving me feeling refreshed,rejuvenated and like myself again
I've always loved the rain
With memories of me as a child
Playing in the rain so very often
Smiling whilst my eyes remain close and head lifted up to the sky
Feeling every drop caress my face and emotions it brought
And now I hear the rain just a little bit outside my window
It's begun this little joy of mine
As I tuck myself into bed
Relaxing greatly to the rain pitterring and patterning against the roofs
So as my eyes grow heavier
And my heartbeat slows down
I smile alone to myself in the dark
When the rain comes

Those Nights

Recently as I proceed further into adulthood and learning to cope with a routine life, I come to realize I do a lot of thinking or overthinking as my good friends would say.
My mind being the universe that it is constantly clanking its engines even as I try my hardest to give it a rest. Sleep doesn't come easy to me and I wished I could find a solution so that it will.
Year 2018 has gotten me thinking about a lor of things and it has made me realize so far my identity to the people around me; be it with family or friends. I have also come to realize my inability to open up my heart to find someone special.
I feel I have this facade whereby I insinuate to a lot of people I'm a strong independent woman and bring on those trials I'm ready. However to be honest I wanna let go for a while and just be vulnerable and open my heart but I'm so afraid.
Afraid to love and loose that love in the cycle that life gives us humans. It's so random this rush of emotions that I get and at times like this I feel utterly alone and it makes life seem worthless but I am aware I have people that love me dearly.
I guess I'm feeling a tad bit lost with everything that's been happening with me though it hasn't been substantially big things but nonetheless my mind just keeps going.
When will I find deep rest. Will it be when my heart finally stops beating or when I finally find a purpose. I have no idea but I do hope for one thing is that sleep comes easier as it's taking a toll on me as a person.

One of Those Days

It's been like a long time since I blogged; feeling like I needed to express words in written form because feeling like talking it will bore people. It's just one of those day where I remember the chunk of my beating heart I lost when he breathed his last.

Gosh, I can't believe its going be 9 years in August since that day. It's still fresh no matter how hard I put it at the very deepest part of my mind because an aching feeling constantly reminds me of him. Every time my heart beats I feel the ache; wishing it would dull a but through the years it hasn't I can tell you that.

Lots of things remind me of him; weekends when I just do chores, trying fix things that aren't working, cooking, tucking myself into bed,going to church, having family gatherings, waking up every morning to get ready for the day and every daily routine.

I am sometimes so afraid I'll forget him, his smiles, jokes, laughter, memories shared and most of all how he looks. Sometimes feeling like I'm losing it when I wake up in the middle of the night laughing at his jokes I recall all of a sudden or crying like a child when I remember those last moments with him; I sometimes wake up feeling like he was just there give me a hug of reassurance at my weakest days.

That man I lost was a very dear person in my life and truly I'm lucky to have experiences many great things with him as my father. Every time mixed tears of pain and sadness with happiness will emerge randomly because for one I honestly wished he was still around next to me to guide me on and happy because he doesn't suffer with his sickness; it wasn't him to ever seem weak no matter how badly his condition deteriorated. 

My father was a warrior and the most beautiful person in my life; people whom knew him would know me saying this isn't a made up lie. He always ever optimistic and cheerful; rarely I saw him shed a tear or having and foul emotion no matter what life had put him through.That man thought me the most valuable lessons in life which I continue to live by till the last day I take my breath.

Love boundlessly, have faith even if it seems like there is no hope, wealth isn't everything but happiness is necessary and lastly forgive and hold no grudges. I'll be a hypocrite if I say I'm following all of that exactly but I'm working on it however sometimes its easier to be angry which is probably the reason why I keep my distance from certain people I care a lot about because it hurts. However when I'm ready I will do something about it.

I always miss him the most when I remember big events in my life that have happen and  that is in the future as well; stuff like that father daughter dance on your sweet sixteen, taking my SPM results, going for my first interview for a job, turning 21 - adulthood, moving away from home, shifting around to new places, walking me down the church aisle when I get married, seeing his grandchildren and many more.

Its so hard sometimes when I see other kids with their father holding hands, teasing each other and whispering secrets so mom doesn't know. I smile when I see those scenes but deep inside I can feel the ache suddenly come at me in full force.

Despite all that I'm lucky I have my mother and sister still around by my side to get through. Currently even though we have our disagreements I love them and I wouldn't hesitate to give them everything I can. I am also lucky to have a kind man to take care of my mom when she remarried after I moved out to live on my own due to work. I'm lucky I still have many people that care for me and are supportive of me. They mean the world to me.

I still miss Papa though. In the beginning being mad at God was easy because he was the one that took him away; as time passed I came to realize it was inevitable though it seem to soon for me God knows what's best, in His time right as the song would say.

No matter how old and I grey I become, that man; Papa will never be replaced. I will always love him with all my heart and I look forward to meet him when the time comes. After all the earthly life I have is only temporary, eternity begins with death.

Someone Special

Something out of the ordinary

Meeting you

Seemed like all we did was laugh

And we clicked

I was always wondering

Would I meet your expectations

And then I decided

Leap of faith

From then on

Laughter and joy filled me

Smiling constantly till my cheeks ache

And waking up every morning seemed a little more fun

You filled me with all that you are

Witty and mischievous

Caring and wise

Weird and fun

Playing games for hours

Being the sore loser I am every time you won

Talking for hours

Getting to know you

It became like a part of me

Saying goodnight to you

Waiting for your good morning

And seeing you smile

Eyes are the most beautiful

Smile the most bright

Laughter the most contagious

Optimism the most supportive

I'm constantly afraid of caring you off with my imperfection

However it seems no matter what I throw at you

You always seem to find the right words 

Acceptance is your greatest gift

Totally different from the usual

Unexpectedly you sneaked in to my life

I'm glad that you decided too

Cause you're the best

Stormy Outlook

The weather always changes,

Sometimes its with us knowing;

While mostly its not,

I realized and did nothing to prepare.

Awhile ago my sky was blue,

The sun shone like a yellow gum drop;

It was a warm sunny day,

Thinking it'd last.

My sky grew dark,

The winds howling;

And then it happened,

Thunder crashing with a loud bang.

I knew a long storm was ahead,

It was filled with anger;

Hatred and lies,

The storm took over.

Everything fell out of place,
Promises forgotten;

True colors became very clear,

A battle had begun.

Clueless ,

Unable to come up with solutions;

Holding things together wasn't working,

Being swallowed by the rough weather.

Fighting hard,

Not wanting to lose out;

Awaiting for the storm to subside,

Searching for the hidden sun.

Alas I did,
I wouldn't say exactly it's the easiest path;
But with a umbrella of faith and a raincoat of love,
I've decided this battle is worth fighting for.

Believing the storm will subside,
Thunder and lighting will not frighten me;
Slowly but surely,
the weather will turn for the better.

I Think I Like Him

He’s a friend

A really good one

Seeing him makes me smile

Seeing him makes my day

 

I never looked at him that way before

Always he seemed like a friend and brother

Suddenly I realized

I think I like him

 

His sense of humor matches mine

His sense of confidence makes me giggle

I like his outlook on things

Pretty much like mine

 

We’re quite similar

But we’re quite individuals

His eyes shows sincerity

His friendship; genuine

 

I think I like him

Friends say don’t go for it

Others say it isn’t possible

But I believe I’m a sister to him

 

What am I to do?!

I think I like him

Should I go for it?

Should I wait for him?

 

Waiting isn’t a problem

Patience is my middle name

Knowing there a “what if”

Makes me think I like him even more.

My Pain and Decision

As tears run dry,
So does hope;
And my will to continue,
Fades away.

I still want tomorrow to be different,
Bit as I see what lies ahead;
Thoughts of running away and death,
Taka place in my mind.

It’s right; it’s wrong!
An impasse that has a hold on me,
Prayer? Patience? Perseverance?
I believed in them, but not anymore.

All that is A JOKE,
Pain? Hurt?
That’s reality,
I suffer with it every day.

A monster that’s me,
I hate myself!
A change;
Is it possible?

I wait,
Till it’s my time to perish;
When all that hurts end,
And that’s left are wonderful memories.